Yours To Hold
by Annanarra
Summary: She needs him, he can feel it. But she won't let him in. He needs her, but knows that a monster like himself does not deserve her. So he simply watches. Until one day he can't take it any longer and he does something impulsive. Rated T for appropriate romance. TLJ spoilers. Reylo! Tons of Reylo! One-shot.


_Yours to Hold_

I feel her presence and her power before I see her. It happens every day, the Force bond, but it still brings foreign feelings of relief and comfort. I also always feel pain around her. It's a slow, aching pain. It isn't physical. I can handle physical pain, in fact I've been forced to endure that kind of pain my whole life. I was taught that pain makes you stronger, tougher. But this is different; the pain comes from deep inside me, filling me with immense sorrow and anger. It makes me weak, and I hate it.

It's the same as it has been every day, when we bond through the Force. Rey is sitting on her bed with her back to me. Long brown, disheveled hair cascades down her shuddering shoulders as she hugs her knees to her chest. Her sobs rack her body, and the familiar ache returns to me. She is so close that I could just reach out and touch her, but yet she is so far.

I can imagine myself comforting her. Wrapping my arms around her and telling her whatever it is will be okay, even if it was a lie. I feel like a starved dog, being tortured and taunted by her presence.

Her sorrowful eyes glance up at me in surprise. Her attention fills me with a swell of hope, but it's fleeting as she looks away. I can sense that words were about to form on her lips; that she was about to address me. But I don't think she even knows what to call me anymore. She is conflicted; am I Ben Solo or Kylo Ren?

She's going through so much, even though I have no idea what happens to be plaguing her mind today. It could be anything, really. The rebellion, her parents… _me_.

Emotions swirled inside me, emotions that I have been hard pressed to push down and squash my whole life. They exposed me, made me vulnerable. As hard as it was to admit, Rey was my weakness. Suddenly, the urge to free her of her sadness overwhelmed my senses and I acted before I could even think.

"I wish you knew that I'm here for you. Every single day I want to tell you that. I want to hold you… and comfort you. Be here for you when you're all alone. I'm tired of you shutting me out, when I'm almost positive that you know I've been stretching for you, waiting for you to reach out." I paused, wincing internally at the words that I was speaking. "Its up to you, Rey. You know now, no excuses. I'm ready when you're ready for me."

For a moment, there was complete silence, and neither of us moved. I began to feel incredibly stupid and exposed. I was an idiot to think that saying anything was a smart move. Especially to open myself up like that to her. I don't deserve anything from her. I should be lucky I get to even connect with her through the Force bond. But instead, I had to shoot myself in the foot by opening my big mouth. _Idiot. Worthless idiot._

Finally, Rey stood up and walked up to me. She looked deep into my eyes, and my mouth went dry. "Ben," Her voice coming out in a hoarse whisper. My breath hitched when she uttered that name. That is who she thought I _really_ was, not Kylo Ren. At least in this moment anyhow. She took another step closer, bringing her body inches from mine. Then, without warning, she flung her arms around me. Shocked, I froze for a moment before I reacted. My arms snaked around her waist, and I rubbed circles into her back. Her face was buried against my chest, and the aching inside me doubled. I allowed the Force within me to collide with hers, and together we were surrounded the power that held us both from falling to pieces. I pressed my lips to the top of her head, which caused her to tense up in my arms. It was a selfish act, but I needed to do it. I pulled her away from me, just enough to look down at her face. The urgency I felt to lean down and claim her lips consumed me. Impulsively, I brought my face so close to hers, that my nose pressed against her cheek. I felt her tremble in my arms.

Everything froze around me for a moment, and my logical thinking came back into play. I realized that this was wrong. That we were enemies. I should be trying to kill her, or covertly pulling information about the rebellion from her. I most definitely should not be _burning_ to kiss her. I also shouldn't be _so weak_ and easily won over by her. It should make me _furious_ to be this powerless and out of control. In the place of fury, however, I was expressing compassion and empathy. I understood her pain. So, if what I was doing was so wrong, why does it _feel_ so right? I was, truthfuly, at total war with myself.

Rey's shaking hands gripping my forearms brought me back to reality. It occurred to me that I was probably scaring her. Once I again, I had no right to do this. She was so good, so pure, so full of light. I was only going to taint her. But the burning, selfish impulse was back, and I bent to its iron will.

"Don't be afraid." I mumbled. Her eyes softened, prepared for what was about to happen. I crashed my lips against hers. Eyes closed, I felt what I had longed for, no, ached for. It was so selfish to want her this way, especially since I hadn't a clue as to her feelings towards me. She was probably disgusted. But I was proven wrong when I felt her kiss back. It was fierce and electrifying. Who knew that after all that I have done, that I could feel this full of life. That anyone would treat me this way. She was without a doubt, the most perfect thing in this universe, and the best thing that has ever happened in my life, no matter how twisted this situation truly was. I decided I needed to forget about the technical, and just this once, be in the moment.

I pulled away and simply held her. Her ragged breaths blew the hair around my neck. I felt her lips brush my ear as she spoke. "I'm not afraid."

It was ironic that just minutes before, I felt the need to be there for her. But it turns out, I need her just as badly. It was a symbiotic relationship. It didn't make sense, but for now it worked. Before I could react in any way, however, I felt our connection slowly fading away. I gave her one chaste kiss on the cheek before stepping away.

"Goodbye, Ben."

Her words seemed to echo off the walls mockingly after she vanished. Conviction, determination, and revelation. These were the things that suddenly washed over me. I was done with this. Done with feeling so conflicted about everything. Done with hurting myself, but mostly done with hurting her. It was time to grow up and do the _right_ thing. Change was coming to this galaxy, change for the better. It was time to be _Ben_.

 ** _A/N_**

 ** _So, I feel really good about this one! It is inspired by the song, "Yours to Hold" buy Skillet. I like to read and write Reylo that shows Kylo/Ben opening himself up to hope and redemption. This pairing is so unconventional and quite frankly wrong, and it makes no sense, but yet it makes perfect sense and somehow they are perfect for each other. I need him to be redeemed in the next movie! Thank you to everyone who read my Reylo one-shot story "To Teach" yesterday, and I was wowed by the incredibly nice and fast responses! Thanks guys!_**

 ** _I hope you all really enjoyed this! I am spending a week with my dad trucking across the country. So I have had a lot of time on my hands for the last two days, and I hope to get some more writing done. I haven't even touched my 6 books that I brought to read. I've been way too eager to write Reylo! My new favorite pairing! Woohoo!_**

 ** _Anywho, I want to move on. Thanks for reading, please review!_**

 ** _God Bless!_**

 ** _~Annanarra_**


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